There will be elections this coming fall in Germany, and the conservative candidate, Christian Democrat Angela Merkel, is likely to win. She’s a woman, she’s from the former East Germany, she’s got almost 50% support in the polls. She’s a shoo-in.
But not if Titanic Magazine (German-only, until they hire me to translate them) has anything to say about it.
They founded a political party (called "The Party") and recently vowed to run a "disgraceful and strictly personalized" campaign against "the Merkel," as they call her. First order of business: exploiting Merkel’s attractiveness gap. To be frank, Merkel looks a little bit like a bilious schoolmarm. The Party recently put out a "casting call" to find a hot young female candidate to run against Merkel. The entrants had to send in a photo (natch) and answer a few questions.
It looks like we have a winner, to judge from the this election poster, which features the comely Yeliz Toklu under the heading "Woman? Sure, but better-looking!"
Yeliz won the coveted post with the following application email (reprinted in the July 2005 Titanic, pp. 26-27):
Name/Career: Yeliz Toklu, 26 years old, Controller, Stuttgart
Hobbies: Annoying men, getting Herpes, controlling everything, Emma.
Political Vision: A world full of walls (a Turkish wall around Kreuzberg and Neukölln, Baden-Württemburg wall [“Smart kids stay, fat kids out!”], etc.). And naturally sexy wall-builders (shirtless Adonises with 9 and ½ drops of sweat on their hairless chests, slow-motion, etc.)
First act in office: Cancel the value-added tax on shoes! (Merkel would NEVER do that!! This alone gets 50% of the vote).
Why are you better than the Merkel?
Merkel: Belongs to a German minority that speaks strangely
Toklu: Belongs to two German minorities that speak strangely (Turkish-Swabian)
Merkel: part-woman…actually part-human
Toklu: Allllll woman; in fact: sexpot
Merkel: shifty careerwoman – er, career-“it”
Toklu: HONORABLY active as an VOLUNTEER Turkish representative in the Foreigner-Committee in Esslingen (without any career prospects at all, except possibly a teeny little step to world domination)
Merkel: Controls her party.
Toklu: Controls EVERYONE (see job and hobbies)
Merkel: Will do everything so that “it” becomes Chancellor
Toklu: Will do everything to stop “it” from becoming Chancellor (including writing silly application emails). Last but not least:
Merkel: Competent, years of experience in politics, and almost 100% chance of success
I try to avoid explicit political endorsements on GJ, but let’s just say I think I know who’ll be getting the German Joys vote this fall.