Heino’s Hideous Handicap

Rumors have circulated about Heino, the German pop star whom Lonely Planet once immortally dubbed a 'tranquilized albino Ken doll', for many a year. The reason? He is never seen in public without dark sunglasses. Some say it's because his eyes are an eerie reddish rat-eye color, or because he's abnormally photosensitive, or because he's German. But I believe this album cover, found at a blog post called Worst Album Covers of All Time, has solved the mystery:

Mommy, why didn't you open the door to let me give you these? Why did I have to break through a basement window and poison Fido?
Heino, the albino baker's apprentice turned German Schlager legend, has strabismus, also known as heterotropia! Now personally, I can't see why this should have driven the man to don dark glasses. I happen to find strabismus extremely attractive in women (please lift the restraining order, Condi! I've learned my lesson!). But I suppose EMI Germany's crack mid-70s market research gurus soon concluded that Heino was just a bit too Marty Feldmanian to inspire swooning fits among the frumpy Hausfraus who remain his target audience. By the way, the single is called "Dear Mother…A Bouquet that Never Wilts." I'm not sure whether he's giving his mother this or comparing her to one, but either way, I should call my mother.

One other thing. Why is it that posts that promise you the "Worst Album Covers of All Time" routinely include some of the best album covers of all time? Case in point:

Is it just me, or did everyone sweat more in the 1970s?

6 thoughts on “Heino’s Hideous Handicap

  1. Andrew,
    I do not get the sense in your starting sentence: ‘Rumors have circulated about Heino, the German pop star whom Lonely Planet once immortally dubbed a ‘tranquilized albino Ken doll’, for many a year.’
    Can you explain, please?
    best regards from Dusseldorf

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  2. Well, I heard people say the emergence of Heino was the result of a lab door unfortunately left open after a failed Nazi genetic experiment.

    I’m still not convinced they’re wrong.

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  3. It takes only a few seconds on Google to solve this enormous “mystery”, i.e. to find out what his actual condition is, but even just by looking at the picture, anybody can plainly see that he isn’t simply cross-eyed. Instead his eyes clearly protrude in a way that I doubt anybody would find “extremely attractive” in any sex.

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  4. I know Heino Personally. His condition is called Exopthalmos caused by Grave’s Disease. If you have any questions look on his website: http://www.heino.de ; dont believe the rumors. Take it straight from the person. Read the Bigraphy on his webseite or on his facebook. THANKS!

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