Operation Glasshole™ Phase I Status Report

A little over a month ago, I noted that the small creek which runs through my neighborhood, the Düssel (after which Düsseldorf is named) was full of bottles, since glassholes have been throwing bottles into it over the years.

So today I took a pole and a net and started work. Here is the before and after pictures of the part of the river I worked on:

DSC_0042
DSC_0042

As you can see, a slight improvement, but much work remains. Once I got down to the level of the river, I could see there were many more bottles than visible from the top. It took me half-an-hour to remove about 25 of them, but at least 100 remained. All the bottles were covered in some sort of black grime, and filled with black liquid the color of motor oil. A few of them were being used as homes by freshwater crayfish, whom I summarily evicted. Sorry dudes, go find a rock or a tree stump.

Only when you cleared off the grime could you see what these litter-lovin' Untermenschen were drinking. Most of the bottles were ordinary brown beer bottles whose labels had long been washed away. Doubtless these bottles contained Oettinger, the local cheap & nasty choice for the undiscriminating booze-bag. Some were Carlsberg, a surprisingly civilized choice. Many, predictably, were Frankenheim Blue, a sugary mix of beer and soda which is also used as a Class 3 industrial solvent and barely deserves the designation fluid.

After a while, though, I realized that fishing these bottles out of the river one-by-one was a waste of effort. I was working retail, when I should have been wholesale. So to get the remaining 100 bottles, I am going to buy or rent a pair of wading boots, and go in there with one of them litter grabber thingies. I'm sure that physically entering the river, even to clean it up, probably violates 2 laws and 4 regulations. But frankly my dear, I just don't give a damn. If they fine me, I'll crowdfund my defense. Judging from the approving looks I got, I think I'll get plenty of contributions.

 

2 thoughts on “Operation Glasshole™ Phase I Status Report

  1. From: Oberkassel Oberfinanzdirektion

    To: Dr. Hammel

    You’re reporting the deposit money from the empties as taxable income, right?

    MfG

    i.V. Hans Ammann

    Oberamtmann

    Like

  2. Oberamtmann du opfa,

    Since the bottles are covered in thick black slime and the labels on the bottles rotted away long ago, you can’t get any deposit for them. And before some German know-it-all comes in and says well technically you can under paragraph 5.6(a) — shut up.

    That is, unless you are willing to (1) powerhose the slime off the bottles one by one, and (2) embark on the noble quest to find anyplace which will actually give you a fucking deposit refund for bottle without a label. I guarantee you, this will be a fucking lifelong quest.

    Poor Germans — they always think that just because a law exist saying something’s possible, that means it is!

    Sincerely,

    your momma

    Like

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